I think it's stupid

Honestly it doesn't matter what I think is dumb. Or pointless. Which ever you prefer. Taking the time to write a decent blog, and knowing it doesn't care because nobody outside of Mr. Worth will read it. Not that I want to become some crazy famous blogger. But why put in the effort? Who cares what I have to say. Nobody.

I actually put thought into it. I think of things I can blog about, and if I don't think it's interesting.. I'm not going to waste my time. However I'm not gaining anything from that. I will get the same grade whether it is interesting or not. I can say I don't like the snow because it's cold. I think it should just go away... Simple, boring, and enough to get me a decent grade.

This really bothers me. I feel like I'm spending my time on this for nothing. One of my peers could write a blog about how they cured cancer, and I bet nobody will read it. I suppose there is no way to really fix this., not that it's a problem. But there has to be a way to get some recognition to the people who deserve it.

So a short ode to the amazing bloggers-
"The world according to Kate" great, interesting, to the point. http://dancingpuma.blogspot.com/

"Monkeytoesmcgee" consistently about things that are pretty much important. not "I'm blogging to get this over with" It's more like "I'm blogging because I have something to say and want to get it out there"
http://jambetweenmytoes.blogspot.com/

"A few of my favorite things" Light and happy. It doesn't always have to be humbug. It takes a load off knowing the world isn't so serious everywhere.
http://jsande5.blogspot.com/

I didn't go find my friend's blogs just to be nice. These really are good ones. But then again nobody will know that because nobody will read this right? If I didn't put yours up here and you think it's great, it is I just don't know it yet.

I am too young to be thinking about this

Taxes. Not even kidding, I am worried about my taxes. Not in the same way as adults though. I am thinking about those kids in our school who don't care. The kids who slack off in class, and only serve as a disruption. The kids who no matter how much help is given to them, or how ever much support, they will never try. Kids who ruin things for everybody else because the abused a privilege. Kids who start fights in the hallway and bring drugs into the school. They all have a chance to change, and make a future for themselves. But those who don't... well that's where my (future) taxes come into play.

The ones who don't. They're not going to keep a job. They are probably going to have a few kids hanging around. They might not be able to buy, or even rent, a home. Food will sometimes become a luxury, because they won't be able to find money for the drugs otherwise. It's a reality some will face in some way or another.

So the government has set up systems to help them out. One many are familiar with, is welfare. It is a great idea, with great intentions, that is greatly abused. There is a woman who goes to my church who is on welfare. It's not a bad thing. It's helping her get by until she can get a job and such. But she doesn't use it wisely. It's like, "hey I have money now, would you like to go get a big fancy meal?" Even if blowing money on a luxury is the best way to go, I would think if you are in that situation you would try to save it so you can move on. Get out of the whole.

Ok enough said. Taxes. Welfare doesn't come out of the sky. People have to pay for it. But what if I don't want to. Why should I, who worked hard in high school, and got a good job, pay for these peoples frivolous way. The same people who didn't try, or care. They same people who blew so many opportunities? I'm not saying scrap the entire thing. That is ridiculous. There just has to be a better way.

Let me get a little religious on yall

I was talking to a friend who brought up something I never really think about. If God already knows what will happen, and we don't have a choice in what happens to us, what is the point of everything?

This bothered me a lot. How can our entire existence not matter. That the type of cereal I ate this morning wasn't really my choice, but preplanned. It's just wrong to me.

So this is what I think. Not saying my friend is wrong, but I think I have a more positive idea to put my worries to rest.

God put us on the earth to serve him. Yet a lot of people don't. He wouldn't waste the time to put someone here that isn't going to full fill their purpose. That's pointless. He gave us that option. We don't have to. We can completely ignore the fact that there is a God and I bet He won't smite us where we stand, or all of a sudden force our legs to take us to a church for penitence.

Next is we could all live in complete peace with Him. That would be the ideal situation would it not? But God decided to give us a choice. We all know the story. Eve chose to disobey and eat the forbidden fruit. Huh. I would be willing to bet God didn't make her do that.

And as far as the little decisions in our lives, like the cereal for example, it's not life altering. God will let us pick out our breakfast without forcing our hand to pick up the frosted flakes rather than the rice crispies.

But you know some people are dead set on that idea. How they live in that mine set, I'm not really sure. To me it's depressing, and far from true. I could make a much bigger argument for my opinion, but it's really not necessary, because in the end I'm not out to change other people's views. Just explain my own.

Scrooge

I have decided I don't like Christmas. I love what it stands for, but the actual celebration isn't any fun. I think part of this idea might be because all of the holidays have felt this way. Nothing special, just another passing day. When it's done it's done. No excitement. Most of the time we make cookies, decorate the trees, spend time together. It really is fun. But this year was another story. A friend of my mom's always gives us the cookies. And she did this year too, but my mom decided that it took too much time to decorate them. As far as decorating the trees. Well we did it two days before Christmas, because every other day they said was too busy. Honestly it wasn't but that doesn't matter. Only two of the sisters were able to do it, so the rest of us had no part in it. We didn't give gifts this year so we had lots of time together, but everyone was mad at each other. Playing games is impossible because someone is guaranteed to say "you suck at this game". After all that it's time to take down all the decorations. People start yelling at each other and stomping around. Things take so much longer because nobody will cooperate. It's ridiculous. Through all of this the meaning of Christmas is lost, and the fun was never there. I can't stand it. If things were better, I wouldn't have a problem with it. But right now, I am anti christmas celebration. Just call me Scrooge

The only important blog I will ever write

Once upon a time...

I have a story to tell. A lot of people already know it and, have already told it according to their point of view. Each one of them based on separate opinions. Some make sense... and some, not so much. But all of them I have tried my best to listen to. Now it's my turn. I'll tell it how I want, based on my point of view, my opinion, my experience. And many wont agree. Then again I wasn't particularly looking for what others think, just getting out my own version.

I like this boy. Not creepy obsessed or anything, I simply like a kid. Everybody sort of hinted he liked my friend, so I asked, and he said he didn't. But in the course of it all I also told him I liked him. No big revelation there. Yet hey he said he liked me, at least a little. Good deal. Once again not earth shattering, but anyone will agree it's nice to know someone likes you. We figured we could hang out, get to know each other, yada yada. Nothing big.

And that was the end of it I thought. I didn't expect anything huge to come out of it. Heck I didn't even plan on telling him. I never do things like that. Ever. But hey he's a nice guy, so why not? It's not like even if I did fall for him he would "break my heart" or something like that. I guess if I was that guy from Along Came Polly I would be good to go.

Then it all got messed up. I always kind of thought he still liked my friend. People like him, don't like people like me. Not saying I'm a bad person or anything. Far from. I'm simply not the type. Well I got a text from this kid I never talk to. And he straight up told me, this guy I like doesn't like me at all. Geeze. No preamble, no nothing. He threw the words at me, and to admit the worst, it hurt. I suppose I always knew. But here I talked myself into believing the maybe's. Maybe I'm worth it? Maybe he will be an alright guy? Maybe I'm not stupid for telling him? Maybe maybe maybe...

That was a bad night to put it simply. But my friend (who just happens to be the same friend he "liked") made it all better. Go out to lunch the next day, talk it all out. Everything seemed like it would smooth out. Like there was hardly a bump to begin with. That night I had a random dream about my dog running away... ha

Well lunch didn't exactly smooth it out like I thought it would. She retold me what I already knew. He didn't like me. At all. No surprises. But that's when I look back at it like wow, I look like an idiot. Not because a whole bunch of people knew or something, just a personal thing. Kind of like when you talk yourself into buying a cheap toy, with the nagging feeling that it will break as soon as you get home. And it breaks. Well my toy broke.

After lunch we went back to her place to watch movies, and hang out for a while. I found out a lot while I was there. I don't remember what order it was in but, I'll take a guess. First his friends didn't approve. I'm not sure what they disapproved of but, it didn't matter much. From what I understood someone took him aside, chewed him out, told him he can't have a girlfriend (?) and lone behold he changed his mind on a dime. I wouldn't say I was hurt at all. More like a little confused. Ok maybe a lot confused. Then I was so kindly reminded by a third person he doesn't like me. Ugh... It kind of felt like everybody was ganging up on me. I know it wasn't true, but it still felt like it. I knew every single one of them was right, and it was so unanimous there wasn't even room for hope.

In case anyone wanted to know I did ask him about it. I was a little upset. I mean he goes ahead and reassures me he likes me not my friend, then tells everyone else he said that so he wouldn't hurt my feelings. Uh huh... What exactly do you say about something like that? I figured he had good intentions, so I can't hold it against him. (Even though this time I'll admit I was a little bit hurt) I tried to be nice about it, although I'm a pretty sure a couple times I could have been a little more polite about it. One of my favorite quotes says "Sometimes I have every right to be angry, but that doesn't give me any right to be rude".

After a little bit of talking around with my friend, I realized I am the last person to figure out all of this. Some said he still likes me, and it's only his friends who made him change his mind. Someone else said he hated me (which I thought was a little extreme, but you never know...). And all the happy middle ground people with all their twists and turns on it.

The worst part is people started taking sides. Some people really were upset with him. All sorts of bad names started flying around, and I was trying to keep it at bay, because probably don't know the entire story (and never will unless he tells me). But on the other half I had people upset with me. They told me he turned me down and I should move on. Whoa... slow down. I could really care less. Yea I liked the kid, and after all this I am a little frustrated, but I'm not turning into creepy stalker ex, so stop treating me like one. It's like my own WW III was about to break out.

In the beginning I said I had a story to tell and my own opinion. I did a lot of story telling. Not a lot of opinion. I think I am an idiot for pursuing the subject at all. If he didn't want to tell me that's fine. I have great friends who will set me straight if he isn't a big enough person to do it himself, which I'm sure isn't the case. Second, I think the first person who told me is kind of a jerk. Nobody is quite sure how he randomly knew, or how he figured he had the right to tell me, but whatever. If starting drama is how he gets his kicks then I am glad I could be helpful. Third, he's not a bad guy. And if his friends really don't want him to have a girlfriend (and he's willing to go with what they want) then fine. I'm not going to cry over it like a stupid girl. I was told he's shallow. Maybe it's true... But I don't think so. He tried to do the right thing in the situation he was in. It turned out to be a big mistake, but no big deal. Mistakes happen. Last... taking sides is stupid. It's not my friends vs. his friends. There's not going to be a big show down or anything. It's not whether he's is right or I am.

It sucks. I'm not going to deny any part of that. But I kind of knew it from the beginning. Liking someone out of my league (and no matter what anyone says it is true) is stupid. Justa askin fer trouble. But hey maybe I'm smarter now? Maybe next time I won't open my big mouth and tell them I like them. Ha somethings are meant to be kept a secret.

Yea I still like him. But I'm not sure if it is really worth it. Everything was blown way out of proportion and I kind of feel like I didn't have a choice in the matter. No big deal. Stuff happens for a reason right?

...The End

Hey Stephen?

I have this friend. She is absolutely adorable. I can't stop laughing when I talk to her. And a few days ago she asks me to listen to this song. I figured why not, but for various reasons I couldn't. Yet she wouldn't let it go. She insisted I listened to this song. Well a few minutes ago I got around to it. "Hey stephen I can't help it if you look like an angel". Oh man. I couldn't stop laughing. And I am pretty sure many of my friends know why. There is this boy, only his name is spelt differently. Anyway it completely made my day. I mean what are the odds? You are never going to catch me saying anything like that. Ever. But it still makes me smile. Ha way to go Taylor Swift.

Big Decision

I get so used to my everyday routines. It changes a little bit, and every once in a great while something happens, but all in all it's pretty monotonous. And I don't mind it. I'm not one to go for big emotional drama all the time. I like to know what's going to happen ahead of time, and how it's going to happen. No variances.

Yet now everything could change. I'm probably one of the few people who consider something like this a big decision, but I really do. It can change so many things. My little life with most definitely vary. As nice as that may sound it also sounds a little scary. I would find myself in situations I've never been in before. And then what? It's like running into a storm blindfolded. Stupid, or exciting. Probably both.

So the big decision. What to do what to do. My friends say do exactly what your heart tells you to do. Generic I know, and my heart has been known to be stupid. But using my head is so incredibly boring. "Do the safe thing, do the safe thing." I swear that's what it chants everytime I have to make a semi important decision. So I'm pretty sure I'll just do what my heart says after I give my head's choice a shot. Hey it could work out right? I'm honestly not sure... but we will see.

Ima Speecher

"Speech is the one thing most people are afraid of, and THAT is the reason I'm in it"

I am an idiot. I stand in front of people, acting out multiple characters myself, making myself cry, talking to imaginary people, all so somebody can hand me a piece of paper telling me everything I did wrong. And I love it.

This year my material has a lot of potential, and getting it all ready for our first meet is the greatest feeling ever. I want to do my very best. Who wouldn't? But at this point I have made no progress on it at all for almost a week. I know I need to basically rewrite the entire thing, but it's a lot harder to do that than it sounds. After sitting in front of the computer for 2 and a half hours I still have made no head way. So maybe my wish of being ready for this next meet wont come true. Maybe everything is just going to fall apart, and unless I get a little help that might happen.

Trying to Stay Positive

This past week was really difficult for me, for multiple reasons. And the weekend didn't get much better. I figured, "wow this next week is going to be horrible already". That is exactly what I thought. Why bother trying to make the week great if you already know it's going to be another disaster? I'm not going to waste my energy on such a fruitless task.

But I'm wrong. Very very wrong. Just because I found myself in this big mess doesn't mean I can sit around and wait for it to get better. I have to get up and make changes myself. Otherwise who knows how many bad weeks I will go through before things get better.

The whole thing that reopened my eyes to all of this was a book. Be the Change. Appropriate title right? Anyway it honestly doesn't exactly address my issue. But you can apply almost anything to your own life. So that's what I did. It was talking about these people that hardly have anything, and are doing their best to live their life to the fullest. And what about me? I have all these things, but I'm sitting her sulking about because I disappointed a few people? That is ridiculous. If I care so much about what people think I am not making a good impression behaving like this.

Things will get better. The only question is whether I will have the gumption to make it better.

Expectations.

I have been trying to write about this all week, but I couldn't. Now I can.

There's a lot of pressure on me. Not just in school, sports, and speech. But friends, teachers, my sisters, my parents. I'm not saying nobody else has pressure, but lately I have been feeling mine a lot more. And usually I deal with it perfectly. Ok maybe not perfectly, but pretty close.

Yet now I find myself in this position where I am continually letting people down. Falling short of expectations. Not living up to the standards. However you want to word it, that's what I'm doing. I don't know what to do. Every time I turn around someone is looking at me like, "wow and she couldn't even do that. I thought she would at the very least be capable of that." And looks are so important. They can tell you almost exactly what somebody is thinking, so when you never see a good one you know you are doing something wrong. What I'm doing wrong I'm not sure about.

So it's like being stuck in a hole. The more I try to get out, the more mistakes I make, which get me into a deeper hole. I don't know. I just really don't know. Sometimes it's nice to hear someone say you can do it, or I believe in you. It's been a while, but then again I think I can get out of it without help.