Trying to Stay Positive

This past week was really difficult for me, for multiple reasons. And the weekend didn't get much better. I figured, "wow this next week is going to be horrible already". That is exactly what I thought. Why bother trying to make the week great if you already know it's going to be another disaster? I'm not going to waste my energy on such a fruitless task.

But I'm wrong. Very very wrong. Just because I found myself in this big mess doesn't mean I can sit around and wait for it to get better. I have to get up and make changes myself. Otherwise who knows how many bad weeks I will go through before things get better.

The whole thing that reopened my eyes to all of this was a book. Be the Change. Appropriate title right? Anyway it honestly doesn't exactly address my issue. But you can apply almost anything to your own life. So that's what I did. It was talking about these people that hardly have anything, and are doing their best to live their life to the fullest. And what about me? I have all these things, but I'm sitting her sulking about because I disappointed a few people? That is ridiculous. If I care so much about what people think I am not making a good impression behaving like this.

Things will get better. The only question is whether I will have the gumption to make it better.

Expectations.

I have been trying to write about this all week, but I couldn't. Now I can.

There's a lot of pressure on me. Not just in school, sports, and speech. But friends, teachers, my sisters, my parents. I'm not saying nobody else has pressure, but lately I have been feeling mine a lot more. And usually I deal with it perfectly. Ok maybe not perfectly, but pretty close.

Yet now I find myself in this position where I am continually letting people down. Falling short of expectations. Not living up to the standards. However you want to word it, that's what I'm doing. I don't know what to do. Every time I turn around someone is looking at me like, "wow and she couldn't even do that. I thought she would at the very least be capable of that." And looks are so important. They can tell you almost exactly what somebody is thinking, so when you never see a good one you know you are doing something wrong. What I'm doing wrong I'm not sure about.

So it's like being stuck in a hole. The more I try to get out, the more mistakes I make, which get me into a deeper hole. I don't know. I just really don't know. Sometimes it's nice to hear someone say you can do it, or I believe in you. It's been a while, but then again I think I can get out of it without help.

impossible perfection

maturity- the state of full development; perfected condition [syn. adulthood]

Everybody out there has had the M word used on them. They have been called immature, or told they are very mature for their age. I would like to know exactly what they mean by that. Because from the definition above, it seems like nobody is mature. Perfected condition? Are you kidding me? And if adulthood is a perfected condition maturity is pretty messed up.

I know that's not the definition that really applies to us. It's more like acting like an adult. Knowing when it's ok to laugh and when it's not. Not being too excessive anyway we act, and making good decisions. Or to summarize that all up, being really good at controlling our emotions. Gee I wish I was mature. That sounds like a blast. I mean really think about it. When somebody tells you to be mature they have this ideal picture they want you to fit into, the "mature adult" figure. Or if you're told you're mature you are probably fitting into that mold decently well.

The whole thing that got me thinking about this was I saw someone start crying, and then someone else yell at them for not being mature. Obviously that's not the entire story but, take my word for it, she is one of the most compossed people I have ever met. Seeing her cry was a little shocking. But as soon as she stepped out of that mold and let loose a bit her dad was there to correct her and, tell her that's unexceptable. Really? When did crying become immature? Because it's not perfect like our definition says? Well heck if that's the way it is I don't think anybody is mature.

I'm not saying we all need to run around like idiots. This unspoken rule of conduct certainly has it's advantages when it comes keeping society in line. But sometimes there is too much pressure put on this single angle of life. Growing up is hard enough without having to live up to adults expectations, of "maturing" at a certain rate. You're either ahead or behind the pack. I don't think I have ever once been with it. So let loose, scream for no reason (not at someone obviously), sing a silly song and dance around. Afterwards you can go back to trying to achieve this impossible perfection.

A breath of fresh air. Or maybe more than one.

We all know the pressures of being in high school. Grades, friends, extra curricular actives. Yada Yada Yada. It gets to be a lot. Sometimes my day starts at 4 in the morning and doesn't end until 11 at night. Obviously sleep is not making it very high up on my priority list (so hey if I seem a little snappy cut me some slack that's probably why).

Anyway I am having some difficulty balancing out my schedule and still finding the all essential time alone. You know when you can sink into a couch watch a few minutes of TV, write, read, email a friend back. Something that benefits only you. So where did this time go? Dance practice certainly takes up a lot of it, but it's worth it. The rest of it is being poured into projects for school, writing my speech for speech team, and preparing a piano piece for my Christmas festival at church. Each one of them are worthy causes I know.

So do I cut back on what I'm doing or is it all in my time management? (probably both)

I know everybody lately is feeling the crunch. It's tough. And I know me complaining about it won't fix anything, but oh well. At the very least it gets my thoughts out there, and my blog post can join the millions of others teens are writing about being so busy and stressed.

A faint glimmer,
the remains of,
a once brilliant beacon.
Quiet mummers,
are the last,
of the blaring call,
relentlessly seeking me out.
Slight tugs
now pull at me,
in place of the force,
that is no longer.
Fading from my memories,
a previously strong figure,
now a shadow.
Soon forgotten.
Gone forever.

I'm not asking anyone to comment on it. If someone likes it they are more than welcome to say so. If you don't I would love to hear that too. You don't have to understand it.

Generic vs. Unique

Yes sir that is my problem, which I think many of us are running into. Those of us who are taking this assignment seriously want our blog to stand out. We want people to read it, and like (and dare I say enjoy) what we write. So in order to achieve that we have to write something that stands out. A new idea or something close to it. Crazy titles are being spit out left and right. People spend and hour to simply figure out what to say, or how to say it. And that would all be great if there wasn't the "but".

The "but" is the deadline. Two blogs per week. At the beginning this seemed simple. I had idea's left and right. I enjoyed writing. Two blogs a week? What a piece of pie (yes pie). And then it happened. I hit the wall that everybody else seems to have smacked their head on. Which is where I run into the big question. Do I try to be unique still, even though my ideas will probably be a lot less than fantastic or not have anything to blog about at all? OR should I blog about the same generic things so that I can get them all done.

I would love to be unique. In a perfect world (like Walgreen's) I would still be blogging like a mad man. My idea's would still seem good to me at the very least. But that's not the way it is. I have nothing new to say. I can't sit up all night striving for some semi brilliant idea to pop into my head. I don't have that kind of time.

So all of that, I am sad to say, leads me to the generic route. The unimaginative route. The route where everybody blogs about the elections, being stressed, and extreme home makeover. I think it's a waste of time to write about second hand ideas. Nobody wants to read it, and I don't want to think about it. Yet what choice do I have? I want to keep up the fairly decent quality (I think I have) in my blog. Quality takes a lot of imagination, and at this point I don't think I have it. I'm far from giving up. Giving up isn't my point at all. Because second hand idea's still are not my style, but I might have to settle for something boring occasionally. Idea's are very welcome, if you havn't written about them. But personally I would just write about it myself instead of give it someone else ;)

I've sat in front of this computer too long

Nothing to write about. Two and a half hours, yet I still have nothing to write about. Ridiculous I know. I mean I try to write about things that are important (at least to me), so it shouldn't be too hard. But tonight, nothing. I could be like everybody else and write about the new president or something, but I sort of think that's dumb. My opinion is one of a million, and certainly not worth anything. Which sort of bothers me. Why shouldn't my opinion matter? I'm more informed than many Americans out there. I've listened to teachers, students, my parents, countless political ads, and on top of that I did my own research. Some people voted for Obama just because of his skin color (which should not be a factor). People were asked if they would be ok with Sarah Palin being vice president when Obama is voted in (obviously not true but they wanted to see how much the people knew) and they said they would be fine with it! They thought Sarah Palin was Obama's VP. What idiots! I think Obama will be an excellent president, but some people... ugh...
enough said.

Birthday Blues

November 11th. Yep that's the dreadful day. I know I must sound crazy, but I really don't want my birthday to come this year. Even my parents think I'm nuts. They keep asking me what I want, and I keep telling them nothing. So for whatever reason they keep asking. As if I'm going to change my answer or something.

Anyway, the reason I don't want my birthday to come is simple. It's overrated. Everybody is making turning 16 into a big deal. I've never really celebrated my birthday, so what's the difference now. What's the point? Usually it's celebrating freedom, because that's when you get your licence, but I'm not getting mine for 3 months. When I turned 15 I told them I didn't want anything. They said fine. It didn't matter. So what's different this time? Money is the difference for me. I can't ask my parents for something when money is so tight. Birthday or not, more "stuff" isn't necessary. I don't need it.

I suppose I'm not being honest when I say I didn't want anything this year. I wanted to see this guy again. And he promised too. Then again he promised me a lot. So my birthday will just be a reminder of what was. I don't want to go through that... who would?

Anyway the closer it gets the more I wish I was done with it already. Normally people start counting down, excitement building with each passing day. And that's fine. It's not me though. Don't avoid saying happy birthday because your afraid I'll attack you or something. I won't =]

For My Friend

"Once you hit the bottom the only way left to go is up"

It's great, hopeful advice. I will admit that much. Yet if you think about it, this "hopeful" phrase can be completely twisted around into something else. The only time your going to go up is when you hit the bottom.

I know a few people who get stuck in a bad mood, and let it get out of control. Their life can fall apart and they are so caught up in themselves they don't even notice. Not until it smacks them in the face. Bam

So why let it get that far? Why not work on changing it before it gets that bad? Maybe it's a habit or something, but even that is a bad reason. Waiting for things to hit bottom, no matter how shallow that is, doesn't fix anything. It makes you work harder to get out. It makes you stressed. Nothing good.

Taking control of the situation from the begining is the first thing. And, the last. Simple as that. Then it lets your gorgeous smile sneak out there a little more =]

If you do this one thing for me...

I wanted to go to my friends house tonight. No big deal. My mom even said it would be alright if I did this one thing for her. Clean my room. Once again no big deal. Then as soon as I finished that she wanted me to clean the kitchen. Ok, I was a little annoyed, but that's fine I'll do it. I cleaned the kitchen only to turn around and have her tell me to clean out my closet. It was becoming ridiculous, and with each chore I finished she came up with a new one. However, I really wanted to get out of the house, so I grit my teeth and did it anyway.

It was getting late so I figured I should ask her now or I would never be able to go. And she said no! After all that she said no. With out complaint I did her bidding and I get nothing in return. Now I'm not just an angry teen lashing out, this really is ridiculous. She even had me figure out all the plans for how I would get there, the times, who all is going, having me invite someone else. All of that, yet she says no. Bogus... that's what it is...